I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
don't judge my taste in strippers
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
