He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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