i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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