Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
