so that wasnt chicken after all
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
