How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Welp...herpes.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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