This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
