I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
