You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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