what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
