I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Couch. On fire.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
