Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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