Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
