I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
