Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
