I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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