I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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