people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
