A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
