I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
