My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
