I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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