someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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