I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
