I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
