Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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