that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
