I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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