have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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