I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
