So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
