did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
