ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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