so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
