GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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