I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
