good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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