If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
