i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
