the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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