I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
