i permit you to call me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
