just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
