Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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