dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if only i could text you this smell
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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