when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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