listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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