Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
