so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
