just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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