Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the room spins SO much faster in panama
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
