Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
