I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
