I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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