why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
